The Curse Of The Commentator (Or, Say What You Mean)

by Brian Kennedy

(First published in the August 2011 Athlone Town match programme)

Fed up of John Motson sitting on the fence? Annoyed that Martin Tyler never tells it like it is? George Hamilton come clean!!

There’s nothing worse than seeing your prize centre forward’s leg chopped off at the knee by a 20 stone poor man’s Chopper Harris (not that he was anyway skilled!) on prime time television only to hear the commentator bleat “Hmmm that was a tad robust of the Arsenal Man, but it’s a man’s game my son!” The ball’s gone up the other end whilst your hitman is being dragged off the pitch by the physio, with an undertaker on standby and the skipper carrying the remainder of his leg in his hands! Nothing drives me more insane!

Fair play to Eamon Dunphy as we would be lost without his candid, yet hilarious views of the game. He may moan and bitch but he’s great television, as opposed to Alan (when I was playing, Me and Phil Neal, Lawro etc) and Mark (why is my hair like a pineapple) Lawrenson. The latter has to be the worst predictor of scores in the history of pundits. If either he or Jimmy Quinn tells you Barcelona will romp to victory over Waterford United in the Champions League, get your house on the Blues to sneak a 1-0 win.

So let’s get things into perspective here. Below is a list of what commentators can be heard saying regularly in a match. The first part is the actual quote; the second is what they really mean!

“The man is inspirational”   =   The rest of the team are complete rubbish.
“Good in midfield or attack” = Useless in defence.
“The Target Man” = Lanky striker who never scores.
“He’s a fiery player alright” = Likely to be sent off in the first 5 minutes of a game.
“Very much travelled” = Every manager hated him.
“The man is temperamental” = 50% temper, 50% mental.
“A former International” = 39, knees are gone, and playing non-league for a few quid.
“The team lacks confidence” = 57 defeats in 58 games – the other one was postponed.
“Good at finding space” = You’ll never see him tackle.
“Hustle a forward” = Kick the crap out of him.
“Man to man marking” = same as “hustle a forward”.
“He is really fearless” = He’s just plain thick.
“It’s going to be tough now” = 4-0 down and we’re in injury time.

“He obscured the ref’s view” = Man in black jibs big decision.
“It’s anybody’s game now” = Likely to end 0-0.
“The game’s a bit shot-shy” = 89 minutes of suicide inducing football has just passed.
“He’s got to go for that one” = Possible GBH assault charge coming.
“The crowd is like a library” = 57 people in the stand and their team is 5-0 down.
“Long serving player” = On a week to week contract and nobody wants him.
“Sneaked in at the back post” = Your clown of a left back wasn’t there.
“Penalties are a cruel way to end it” = We absolutely love watching them.

One of the funniest commentators I came across whilst travelling the 21 grounds for my new League of Ireland book was a guy called John Murphy in Dundalk. An ex-Lilywhite himself, he commentates for every one of Dundalk’s games each week on Dundalk 101 FM. Whilst at the Dundalk v Glentoran game in the Setanta Cup earlier this year he came up with this classic after Glentoran had won a penalty he somehow had missed.

“And Glentoran have won a penalty. I didn’t see it myself but it’s a disgraceful decision!”