Storm In A Tea Cup

by Brian Kennedy

(first published in the April 2011 Cork City match programme)

There’s nothing funnier in football than a manager going ballistic. Be it at Premier level in front of the cameras or a Junior League Division 4 match where your goalkeeper’s dropped several clangers and gets a rollicking for stumbling out of Revolution at 2 in the morning. Some managers are more methodical in the “if he’s shouting all the time he can’t think straight” mode. Makes a lot of sense, but if you like your tea-cup throwing lunatic managers going ballistic, here’s a few classic examples:

Brian Clough: Squaring up to Roy Keane, knocking out Nigel Jemson and hitting fans as much as the whiskey in his later years, Cloughie certainly had a sense of style in his punishments of players. The worst treatment was reserved for Mark Crossley.  Unhappy that his goalkeeper had shaken hands with the referee at the end of the game, he hung him on a peg in the changing room, before punching him firmly in the stomach. Can you imagine that going on nowadays?

Alex Ferguson: Old Baconface is a strict disciplinarian and to his credit has not let one player get the better of him. Whilst managing Aberdeen, following a reserve game at Forfar he totally lost it, booted a laundry basket, and a pair of pants flew through the air and landed on the head of a player (like a hat). The player didn’t dare move, as Alex wailed on, even Fergie didn’t notice until the end of his rant when he looked up, saw the player and shouted “And you can take those f***ing pants off your head. What do you think you’re playing at?”

Barry Fry: It’s said that during his spell at Birmingham, Barry was so active during half-time he needed a standing order with Ikea for a monthly supply of a certain type of tea-cup they stocked. He once berated future England International Jeff Astle for a particular first half performance when at non-league Dunstable Town when they were 2-0 down. Astle promptly got a second half hat-trick and ran past Fry with two fingers up after scoring the third.

John Beck: Beck’s unorthodox motivational skills, such as hypnotism, ploughed pitches and boot-camp style training, earned him footballing notoriety during the ’90s. But it was the cold water treatment that really made the news at the time – along with assistant manager Gary Johnson, Beck would make the players have cold showers before each game and then chuck buckets of ice cold water at them.

Lawrie McMenemy: Big Laur’ could mix it too. After a nightmare display from Mark Wright, McMenemy laid into the centre-back with a torrent of abuse. Wright refused to accept the criticism and, with both of them now fully clothed, pushed his manager into the showers where they proceeded to have a full-on ruck in front of bewildered team-mates and staff.

Brian Laws: Mr Chicken wings. Hurled a plate of them at Ivano Bonetti after a 3-2 defeat to Luton whilst Grimsby manager, breaking his players cheekbone. Not a man to be messed with. If he can do that damage with an innocent piece of poultry just think what he could do with a leg of lamb!

Peter Reid: He could swear with the best of them, ignore tactics, blackboards with diagrams or basic team talks at half-time just so he could hurl abuse at his players. This would see him get the finest results at Sunderland, Manchester City and Coventry.
Then he came to Plymouth, who will be relegated on the penultimate day of the season, by their beloved friends… Exeter City.

Neil Warnock: Old school “back in my day, no grass, no money” manager who has probably shot himself in the foot more times in front of the television cameras than a blind solider, but never shied away from putting the fear of God into his players in the dressing rooms wherever he went. Regularly decorated the walls of Sheffield United, Huddersfield Town, Plymouth and Palace with tea among the multitude of clubs he’s been with.

John Sitton: My all-time, if slightly-less-than-well-known, favourite manager in this list. Boss of Leyton Orient in 1995 (a club that was actually sold for £5 to Barry Hearne that year), John had a habit of abusing his own players practically every half-time during a season the club were relegated. The straw that broke the camel’s back came in an away game at Brentford. With the Os 3-0 down, Sitton sacked one of his best friends, midfielder Terry Howard, and challenged both his centre-halves to a fight.
“If you wanna have a go at me, then come in here after the game and we’ll have a proper sort out – and you can pair up, get a friend and even bring your dinner, because when I’m through with you you’ll be the sorriest people on this planet!”
Sign him up now!