Salad Cream Sissies (Oh For The Days Of Bert Trautmann!)

by Brian Kennedy

(first published in the June 2010 EA Sports Cup Dundalk programme)

I know they say footballers don’t exactly have the highest IQ of any profession but it amazes me sometimes the things they do or circumstances they fall upon in order to make themselves a laughing stock to their team-mates.

Dave Beasant, the former England goalkeeper, ruptured his ankle ligaments avoiding a falling bottle of salad cream he had just taken out of his fridge. He was injured for two months. David James, an England goalkeeper, pulled a muscle in his back when reaching for a TV remote control. No wonder they call him ‘ Calamity James’. Santiago Canizares, Spain’s 2002 World Cup goalkeeper, missed the matches after he had dropped a bottle of cologne on his foot and injured it. And Rio Ferdinand, the England defender, injured a tendon behind his knee while watching TV with his foot up on a coffee table (mind you that was a blessing in disguise for United & England).

Former Exeter City striker Craig Farrell brought the police and fire brigade to Exeter’s Cat & Fiddle training ground in 2006 because he got his socks wet. Having come in from a late training session with a coach his football socks slightly damp, Farrell decided the best way to dry them would be to use the microwave in the player’s canteen. Not only did the clown put it on a fifteen minute timer, he decided to have a shower and change, fresh in the knowledge the socks would be toasty warm on his return. Within the hour a fire brigade and police had arrived at the ground after an Exeter City coach took the precautionary measure after seeing a fire in the microwave and its screen cracked, as he was unsure if it would explode.

Chaddy the Owl is Oldham Athletics’ team mascot. While their soccer team are languishing in mid-division, their Owl mascot was suffering in hospital. Wayne Hurst, who plays Chaddy the Owl, decided to take an impromptu spin on a BMX bike. Just as he passed the stands, the home crowd cheered so Wayne decided to try a wheelie; well it was a few years since Wayne had ridden a bike and this episode ended in tears when Chaddy fell off the bike and tore ligaments in his leg. The irony was that nobody would believe that he was hurt; everyone thought his cries of agony were all part of his act. Eventually a St John’s Ambulance man, who was not fooled, arrived and rendered assistance. The 7ft bird with Wayne inside got the biggest cheer of the afternoon as he was wheeled off to hospital for an x-ray on his broken wing – sorry sprained leg.
Later Wayne said in interview, “I set off towards the fans and the bike went over. I put my leg down to stop it, but went over on my ankle. I knew as soon as I hit the ground I was in trouble. I was shouting to the stewards that I’d hurt myself, but they were just laughing at me,” continued Hurst. “Eventually the St. John’s Ambulance people came. They wanted me to take my head off so they could give me gas and air, but I said no. It’s an unwritten rule that I never take my head off in front of a crowd.”

A Croatian football star says his team are losing matches because he can no longer commit fouls since finding God. Hajduk Split defender Goran Granic has come in for a storm of criticism for abandoning his trademark hard tackles on opponents. But Granic has now revealed his Catholicism is behind his softer style of play. He told daily newspaper Slobodna Dalmacija, ‘I’m so devoted to God now that I have started to avoid committing fouls during matches. God has created football for fun and relaxation. He would not like players to commit harsh fouls.’ He added, ‘I could probably have saved some key goals during the season, including in the Champions League qualifying games, if I had committed fouls to stop players scoring.’ Hajduk Split are reigning Croatian champions but this season they failed to qualify for the Champions League.

Russian man in black Sergei Shmolik was refereeing a Belarusian Premier League match between FC Vitebsk and FC Naftan Novopolotsk on July 5 when, during the second half, the crowd noticed that he had begun behaving strangely. Amazingly the official was blind drunk (just tap in “drunk ref” on YouTube and you’ll see for yourself). Although he initially tried to disguise it as a back injury, Sergei came clean two days later and admitted to drink HALF A BOTTLE OF VODKA – RAW – BEFORE the game having been on the tail end of a 24 hour bender.

However the above lot should a take a leaf out of this man’s book: Manchester City goalkeeper Bert Trautmann was a man’s man. During World War II as a German paratrooper he earned five medals for bravery, including the Iron Cross. But, not satisfied with that, he then proceeded to produce one of the most incredible FA Cup final performances of all time. In 1956, City were leading Birmingham 3-1 with fifteen minutes to go, Trautmann dived at the feet of Brum striker Peter Murphy, breaking a bone in his neck. With no substitutes permitted, Trautmann was forced to stay on the field for the remainder of the match, making a couple of crucial interventions. It was not until three days after the final that the full extent of the injury was learnt; An X-ray revealed he had dislocated five vertebrae in his neck, the second of which was cracked in two. The third vertebra had wedged against the second, preventing further damage which could have cost Trautmann his life.