Naked Drunk Maniac

by Brian Kennedy

(first published in the November 2010 Monaghan United play-off match programme)

 

Backfire: A miscalculation that recoils on its maker.

I love Halloween. The smell of wood-smoke in the air. Kids trick-or-treating. Little hoodlums robbing car tyres to throw on a bonfire.
It’s also a night I don’t forget easily after one Halloween in 2002 involving nudity, a knife and one unhappy wife!
Having finished my night shift early and obeying the 11th commandment “Thou shalt not do overtime”, I headed out after work with my mates to toast the weekend in the nearest bar with Aertel.
I say Aertel as while my friends where knocking back vodka, complaining about their life and commenting on the barmaid’s bosom, I was glued to a small flickering screen with the words “Finn Harps” and “Waterford” on them.
The Blues were playing a Friday night fixture away in Ballybofey and were currently top of the First Division, but more importantly, I was waiting on them for a draw treble having had two midweek draws already gone my way!
The night progressed and I eventually put the sweet taste of Mr Jack Daniels and his cousin Jim Beam to my mouth, whilst continuously looking at the same 0-0 scoreline for what seemed an eternity on the screen.
With injury time fast approaching and the lure of 157 euro, with the Blues still holding top spot, I started to pace the bar.
Naturally being a man of a nervous disposition I needed something heavier to calm me  so three Sambucas were ordered and went down quicker than Didier Drogba on a Saturday afternoon.
One minute later Finn Harps scored, and in a mixture of sorrow and anger I launched into a succession of ill-chosen spirits!
I arrived back at my house at 2.50am, totally legless. I turned on the TV. “Halloween” (the greatest horror movie ever made) was playing. So being the night that was in it, I got this absolutely stupid idea.
The plan was to leave the front door wide open, lights off, and only the television on.
My wife ,who was working until 3am, would come home, know something was wrong, and while Michael Myers was trying to kill off Jamie Lee Curtis , she’d be checking every room to see what was going on, only for me to come hopping out of the closest with a knife in hand,  giving her a massive heart attack. Nasty you may say, but trust me she’d do the same to me with drink in her!
For some stupid reason I decided to strip naked, grabbed the knife and hide in our bedroom closest. Everything was going to plan until, like a total clown, I feel asleep.
Now here’s where the word “backfire “comes into its own.
When I woke up it was 3.34am. I had lost over half an hour. Trust me it felt like the blink of an eye but it was a full half hour.
Thinking that Sandra hadn’t found me yet I got out of the wardrobe and made my way to the top of the stairs, making as much noise as possible to frighten her even more.
I heard nothing.
Two minutes passed. Then four.
Finally deciding to have some sympathy for her I shouted down “Sandra” only to be met with total silence and the door now firmly closed and lights now on!
 Was someone now downstairs? Could somebody have come in and robbed the place?
Was it some evil spirit? (Trust me if I’d have seen Paranormal Activity in 2002 I was never coming out of that closet!)
I stood all alone shivering and naked with a knife in hand at the top of the stairs terrified.  As I took each step down one by one I could have heard a pin drop and see every shadow.
This was no fun at all.
Suddenly the phone rang. I think I was clinically dead for about 12 seconds with the fright.
Thankfully it was my wife. She’d come home, seen me, and gone across to the neighbours knowing I’d crap myself the moment I woke up!
When she finally got home I had some explaining to do and it’s killed off any Halloween weekend prank ever since.
Even though All Hallows Eve has just passed I still hope the Blues can trick Monaghan tonight and give us all a treat whilst I finish the last of the mountain of candy my kids successfully hoarded, in the main stand!

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