Quotewordy: When Commentators (And Pundits) Go Mad

compiled by John Kehoe

(first published in the October 2009 Shelbourne match programme)

As a follow-on from elsewhere in this issue, QuoteWordy makes a return to also stick the boot into the beleaguered commentators, pundits and analysts that populate the TV football world. Here are some prime examples of men forced to make on-the-spot pronouncements on events as they happen, who are then shamelessly pilloried for making the occasional mis-step. As it should be!

From the ‘Come Again?’ category:

“If you gave Arsene Wenger eleven players and told him to pick his team, this would be it.” – Andy Gray

“Ireland have won a corner, and it’s in a very good position.” – George Hamilton

“He’s very quick for a man of his age. I suppose you’d call him ageless. He’s 33 or 34.” – David Pleat

“And Ritchie has now scored eleven goals, exactly double the number he scored last season.” – Alan Parry

“That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass.” – Murdo McLeod

“You just can’t hypothesize about something that may or may not happen.” – Rodney Marsh

“I’d love the person who taught Jose Mourinho English to taught me.” – Steve Claridge

“Billy Gilbert hit a kamikaze backpass which Justin Fashanu pounced on like a black Frank Bruno.” – Ian Darke

From the ‘Reality All Of Their Own’ category:

“Actually, none of the players are wearing earrings. Kjeldberg, with his contact lenses is the closest we can get.” – John Motson

“This World Cup ball is definitely rounder.” – ESPN’s legendary Tommy Smyth

“The one thing that never changes is that John Terry plays, and he’s back today after missing all those games.” – Chris Kamara

“A foot or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal!” – Dave Bassett

“The good news for Nigeria is that they’re 2-0 down very early in the game.” – Kevin Keegan

From the ‘Stating The Bleedin Obvious’ category:

“There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil. And that might be the game that they lose.” – the late great Sir Bobby Robson

“If you cut Jamie Carragher open, he’ll bleed red.” – Clive Tyldesley

“I wouldn’t be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish.” – Ian St John

“And with four minutes gone the score is already 0-0.” – Ian Darke again

“It’s 1-1 here, and if there are no more goals it’ll be a draw.” – And Tommy Smyth, not to be outdone

From the ‘Telling It Like It Is’ category:

“We’ll have more football later. Meanwhile, here are some highlights from the Scottish Cup Final.” – Gary Newbon

“Some teams are named after letters of the alphabet. Brentford are the Bs, Leyton Orient are the Os. And everyone knows Manchester United are the Cs.” – Des Lynam

And finally, from the ‘Careful Now, Ron!’ category…

“He’s a little twat, that Totti. I can’t see what all the fuss is about!”